impossible

i think 'impossible' might be her other name. i love her that is unquestionable. i respect her that is a must though i think fear might be more accurate.i always think that her antics are all in my grasp. now i believe i am wrong. she is the most impossible woman, hard to fathom, more complicated than text book. i say she would be quite an interesting subject for research.

not just she is unbelievable impossible, she never listen to the young ones. she is right (or never wrong). she believe in the power of motherhood that gifted her with righteousness. sometimes it is undeniably fun and cute when she have to bite her lips when she had been proven wrong. sometimes she just plainly annoying.

more to that, she never open to new stuffs regardless of gadgets, fashions or lifestyles. the only time she become agreeable only if her friends do that or other people told her its good and this and that. only if other people or her friend.

shopping with her is quite tiresome. i do understand that she is old and cannot stand for long. but i do believe shopping takes a lot of times. i hate if i or someone starts to buy on impulse. just buy everything and in the end regret their action cause the dress did not flatter. not once i have a bliss shopping time with her. it always tiring and induce lots of headache not to mention different taste in style. her tag lines when shopping with me are

a) this this. look at this. try this (she said them all in one breath and in an urgent and commanding tone)

which then lead to~~~
b) you never listen to me you think im stupid

which i will then coax her and listen to her (as in trying on whatever she chosen and her whine)

then she will say
c) that i am fat ugly and things that is equivalent to those.not that it is a wrong cut. to her even rag will look nice on a pretty girl.

for heaven sake that is the first reason why i do not want to try them on coz i already know that they are not flattering.

honestly in frustrated with her.i dont know how to react towards her. how to be more amiable. i have tried everything to please her but it never enough. worst she keep saying that she and father will one day might get divorce because of me (my father always on my side). and its all my faults. nan moerugettso.

"chasing dream that just pass by
broken dream are just too late"
lasse lindh

the woman i want to be

Drizzle. Every time the rain came down softly like short silks thread she often sits nearby the window of her luxury apartment. In her hand there is a novel. Today it is a thriller fiction by Paul Austner, “Music of Chance”. On the table nearby the window there will be steaming hot chocolate with 2 spoons of sugar and no milk. After a few pages, she will lose in her thought for a while. Looking through the window and her thought travel passes the trees, busy roads, tall corporate buildings; escaping the city life. She takes a sip of her drinks and sighs. Ahh that the moment of emptiness she felt for a few minutes were in sync with the drizzling rain. The freedom of her travelling thought, the serene look on her face and the element of her life success intertwine with adulthood. How I long to experience that. It’s a perfect life of beauty. The romantic elements fold into one fondue. I wish I was her. But now wishing is even impossible for me. This lacking self with not specs of talent, not even a hint of success. My young life is full of bittersweet experiences of failure, lies, and expectation which I unable to grasp. BABO. That’s what I am for letting go of every great chance in my life and keep holding on empty hope and wishful thinking. It does not matter anyway. Nobody knows. Nobody care. I only have me and my wishful thought. Every time it drizzles, they bloom. And that is the source of my confidence and energy to keep on walking on this shameless path. I wish one day I am able to enjoy my life as free and serene as that lady.

stuff that left unsaid

my mum called again today

we talked about same stuff for a week

same stuff, repetitively and never changed


talking become begging

i know deep in my little heart

i know shes sad and disappointed

i'm at fault, fully aware

ive been conquered by ego and proudness

too much ego and proudness, too much

something she said just now struck me

"despite everything that happen to you, i really hope that you would listen too me"

four times she said that

"please change, please listen to me and follow what i ask you to do, please you are my daughter and i love you, please do this for me and your life, before i close my eyes"

she said please four times, im suffocating, my heart drenched with pain with every please that she uttered


"are you afraid of changes? are you afraid that you will become someone else? are you afraid people will think that you are stupid?"

three questions which i failed to answer.

dumbstruck to even answer YES

to even say YES im afraid of changes

to even explain to her that

to change means you have to let go something
my life fulls of precious stuff and memories
i don't want to let go

to change means you are not you anymore
not NISRIN that i want to be
just a string puppet

to change means you will come across as stupid
you are a follower
you change only because people asks you too

yes im afraid of those
im terrified to even think about it
to even lift my feet and step outside the zone
i will only change when my heart wants to
when its my will not others

to change when people asked you too
is definitely against my will
i feel stupid
i feel like im a brain-dead
i cant think on my own

regardless here i am forcing myself to embrace the change that she wanted
to makes friend with the new NISRIN
to try and like the new NISRIN

because she is my mother
a woman whom i secretly and will always look up to
a woman who always think of her children before herself
a woman who will still raise me up, help me and loved me even though i hurt her countless times
a woman who always be with me through ups and downs
a woman who always have faith in god and believe in her children
a woman who always wants her children to have a diamond instead of a shard glass
a woman who would sacrifice herself and her dignity for her children
a woman whom i loved to become when/if i get married

because she said so
because she asked me to
because that is her wish

i shall

change

i will try to

though it is against my belief
though it is hard
though the devils holding on me

i believe my love to her surpassing that

sarangheyo ommoni kenkaji sarangheyo

shinee post

he is in love

while doing shelf tidying at level 6
i can't take my eyes of a Japanese guy who is studying nearby
with his electronic dictionary and thick course book
he just stare into the space in front
his fingers play with the pen...
he must feel bored...
or awkward because he senses someone is stalking him
regardless, something about him draws me to continue assessing him
he is just an average guy... very normal built...
not AB type or 4 dimension or 8 dimension
he looks cold...gloomy...
then his phone vibrates
his face lit up...
his lips curve a smile
his face definitely glowing
undeniably it is indeed a very pleasant sight
a curve form on mine too
i cant help but to think
"ah! must be his girlfriend or his love ones,
coz his face spells that".
L.O.V.E
thats what love did to people
it changes people
i wish i will have that glowing "i'm in love" face soon

i dont care

a lady had once told me that i am lack of empathy. for me that is true and it is something that i have known for years. and i am not going to change that. lack does not mean i do not have any. its just i have to choose to whom i am going to show my empathy. to me my empathy is definitely not cheap. if your life story is not worth it im not going to feel that for you. for example, you just break up and you tell me about it, 60% chances of me to feel nothing for you or 40% i will feel sorry for you and might cry for you. breaking up to me is a normal thing which a girl should not resort to self loathing or wallowing. i will only offer my empathy if only you lose someone that is dear to your heart. if you lose a guy, to me it is nothing. plus you are not going to die because of it. if you choose to die... hurmmm i would say you are the such and idiot who does not have self dignity.

dark

question: why i love dark chocolate?
answer: i love sweet foods... in fact i will go crazy without them. i savour them...
however, when it comes to chocolate i tend to choose the opposite. dark bittersweet chocolate suits my taste buds better. the normal one seems too overpowering and not the kind of sweetness i'm looking for. a friend told me long ago that things people choose can reflect their life. i guess that is why my life is somehow unique as compared to other people. i dont go well with a normal life. my life consist of five stages. experience, failure, in denial, try again, somehow succeed... heheheheh. its just like dark choc. bitter at first bite but have sweet aftertaste ... the end...

still 'aegi'

im struggling to finish off my holiday

i guess a month holiday is too long for me

with etsuko back in Japan

and most of my friends are busy with their exam

im stuck with myself (work at library dont help much)

so pathetically i started to monologue with myself

reflecting here and there

thinking of what had i achieved so far

and how bad i fall

and how i muster all my courage to get back on my feet

i can say i have changed

not much but adequate

but still



there's a child in me ...

how far will you go for your love????

i just wonder how far will i go for love?

hurm

i don't know

never really been in love

does it matter?

does it matter what people said to you?

will it bother you damn lots when people gave random remarks?

it does at least to me and my other flatmate.

my point is...

i love going out ALONE...

alone does not mean that you dont have friends

my friends know me well enough to let me have my time ALONE in the city!!!

and my serenity is all ruined with your hurtful random remarks....

perhaps you should just mind your business...

transformers

im hyperventilating again

the green transformers that supposed to protect the earth and humankind

have done something unethical

Stole my heart and torn it into pieces

leaving me breathless

ah! his "manliness" is so enchanting






human always yearn for the impossible.....






regardless... that is my obsession.....

and im proud of it

zen zen wakarimasen

What, like water that's been in the sink for few years this is completely rotten and no senses

When I sit under the leaves on a rainy day and think about it, this isn't really right

Even after the rain stops, would you call that a sky.. that grey-ish white-ish thing covering the space over my head

that, what, to call it sky it's too low, almost touching my hair, if I jump a bit I'll probably bam, hit my head

the dehumidifier in the closet is already full or whatever, whoa I get a bit surprised every time I see the mirror splashed with blood from the time I killed that mosquito

when I brush my teeth with that bent toothbrush even if I brush until my gums start to bleed the actual tartar doesn't know how to come out

I bring the can with the lukewarm cola that I don't remember opening to my lips and take a sip... damn cigarette butts

Now I don't even know if the floor is me or I'm the floor .. what's this situation where the sun goes down before rising --

my idea on romance

romance~~~ something that i crave ever since i sort of know what love is. for me romance is like a dark chocolate that is less fattening and have sweet after taste which lift you up on the fluffy cloud nine. its the most sweet feeling that makes my heart flutters and warm. owh!! not to forget that your fingers and toes will cringed and shriveled out of satisfaction and happiness.

now let me tell you my idea of romantic date.

it starts with me and a guy with a broad shoulder and slightly taller than me walking at the side of the road. our shoulder is soo close that i can feel his nervousness and love that he unconsciously emits. while walking, we talk and fools around. He gave me a warm refreshing smile then take my hand and lead me to the beach or harbour or garden or somewhere like amcorp mall which i consider as one of the romantic place in malaysia. then we just sit there on a bench or the grass if its at garden. you get the picture aye!. me with a book and he with a magazine. reading silently... but our heart is communicating dearly....

i love that feeling....

blush