stuff that left unsaid

my mum called again today

we talked about same stuff for a week

same stuff, repetitively and never changed


talking become begging

i know deep in my little heart

i know shes sad and disappointed

i'm at fault, fully aware

ive been conquered by ego and proudness

too much ego and proudness, too much

something she said just now struck me

"despite everything that happen to you, i really hope that you would listen too me"

four times she said that

"please change, please listen to me and follow what i ask you to do, please you are my daughter and i love you, please do this for me and your life, before i close my eyes"

she said please four times, im suffocating, my heart drenched with pain with every please that she uttered


"are you afraid of changes? are you afraid that you will become someone else? are you afraid people will think that you are stupid?"

three questions which i failed to answer.

dumbstruck to even answer YES

to even say YES im afraid of changes

to even explain to her that

to change means you have to let go something
my life fulls of precious stuff and memories
i don't want to let go

to change means you are not you anymore
not NISRIN that i want to be
just a string puppet

to change means you will come across as stupid
you are a follower
you change only because people asks you too

yes im afraid of those
im terrified to even think about it
to even lift my feet and step outside the zone
i will only change when my heart wants to
when its my will not others

to change when people asked you too
is definitely against my will
i feel stupid
i feel like im a brain-dead
i cant think on my own

regardless here i am forcing myself to embrace the change that she wanted
to makes friend with the new NISRIN
to try and like the new NISRIN

because she is my mother
a woman whom i secretly and will always look up to
a woman who always think of her children before herself
a woman who will still raise me up, help me and loved me even though i hurt her countless times
a woman who always be with me through ups and downs
a woman who always have faith in god and believe in her children
a woman who always wants her children to have a diamond instead of a shard glass
a woman who would sacrifice herself and her dignity for her children
a woman whom i loved to become when/if i get married

because she said so
because she asked me to
because that is her wish

i shall

change

i will try to

though it is against my belief
though it is hard
though the devils holding on me

i believe my love to her surpassing that

sarangheyo ommoni kenkaji sarangheyo