Thursday, March 3, 2011
futile
the hand of a clock winds towards the right
people walks forwards
just because you wind the hands to the left
walk backwards....
doesn't make the things that happened in the past return
even knowing that
just once~~
i try winding the hand to the left
try walking backwards
even knowing that it's futile....
just because you wind the hands to the left
walk backwards....
doesn't make the things that happened in the past return
even knowing that
just once~~
i try winding the hand to the left
try walking backwards
even knowing that it's futile....
being single
being single when you are 24 it can be hell lots of fun if your mum didnt make thousand fusses over it. and i thought it would be over if i find a guy and date him. so i went for a blind date (more like a blinded date) and it was disaster. from that moment i know that mum's way certainly won't work and i, should charge ahead and try to find my own happiness, my so call destiny, my own beau, my own soulmate.
honest to god, i never have had a real date. if i can sum up all the dates that ive been to, i can just say they all SUCKS. not because they are short and stout like teapot or fugly. no no no. the main reason is they are all ill-mannered bastard. like seriously they never asked me what i want to eat (mind you they order first, some even order for me) they go dutch on the first date, talk loudly with their mouth full about themselves,and none of them walk me home or to my car.
so, now i'm a bit panicky and awesomely worried of my future which seems bleak. mom continuously being her naggy self and trying to confuse me with her ideology. her ideology which sometimes hinted me that i should quickly find a guy and sometimes say "no, its not ok for you to befriend a guy" so in the end who do i have to date and befriend? girls? do you want me to turn lesbian huh mum?
one thing i dont understand. clearly there's a loophole somewhere in her ideology. she did not allow me to befriend a guy scared that her friends would think bad about me like im a prostitute, a sinner or other things that might degrade our so perfect posh bind by protocol family. if thats the case, she should tell my brother (both younger and older) not to befriend any girls too. because their mom's friend would find out and would think them as prostitute. surely you wouldnt want that rite mom.
she keep on saying that im going against this laws of Islam and challenge it. no i am not! i would not dare to do that. i just pointed out the logic part of it. if im wrong for doing that so does abg and adik. it takes two to tango right. so if im wrong for going out with a guy shouldn't that guy at wrong too??? get it? its not fair if he asks me out and he is not at fault but i am?? so there's only one way if you want to make this right mum~~ either you tell abg and adik to follow the same rules or you castrate them. then i will restraint myself from seeing any guy and will marry the one that you choose even if they are damn chrappy.
im not trying to be all org putih on you mum! i just want you to look at it logically. in this era everything is possible. there is no gender discrimination. if girls cannot do that so does guy.
im just rant-ing this cos she wouldnt want to talk to me anymore and she sort of label me as the rudest family member. so talking to computer are more fun than people
signing out
honest to god, i never have had a real date. if i can sum up all the dates that ive been to, i can just say they all SUCKS. not because they are short and stout like teapot or fugly. no no no. the main reason is they are all ill-mannered bastard. like seriously they never asked me what i want to eat (mind you they order first, some even order for me) they go dutch on the first date, talk loudly with their mouth full about themselves,and none of them walk me home or to my car.
so, now i'm a bit panicky and awesomely worried of my future which seems bleak. mom continuously being her naggy self and trying to confuse me with her ideology. her ideology which sometimes hinted me that i should quickly find a guy and sometimes say "no, its not ok for you to befriend a guy" so in the end who do i have to date and befriend? girls? do you want me to turn lesbian huh mum?
one thing i dont understand. clearly there's a loophole somewhere in her ideology. she did not allow me to befriend a guy scared that her friends would think bad about me like im a prostitute, a sinner or other things that might degrade our so perfect posh bind by protocol family. if thats the case, she should tell my brother (both younger and older) not to befriend any girls too. because their mom's friend would find out and would think them as prostitute. surely you wouldnt want that rite mom.
she keep on saying that im going against this laws of Islam and challenge it. no i am not! i would not dare to do that. i just pointed out the logic part of it. if im wrong for doing that so does abg and adik. it takes two to tango right. so if im wrong for going out with a guy shouldn't that guy at wrong too??? get it? its not fair if he asks me out and he is not at fault but i am?? so there's only one way if you want to make this right mum~~ either you tell abg and adik to follow the same rules or you castrate them. then i will restraint myself from seeing any guy and will marry the one that you choose even if they are damn chrappy.
im not trying to be all org putih on you mum! i just want you to look at it logically. in this era everything is possible. there is no gender discrimination. if girls cannot do that so does guy.
im just rant-ing this cos she wouldnt want to talk to me anymore and she sort of label me as the rudest family member. so talking to computer are more fun than people
signing out
Thursday, December 24, 2009
impossible
i think 'impossible' might be her other name. i love her that is unquestionable. i respect her that is a must though i think fear might be more accurate.i always think that her antics are all in my grasp. now i believe i am wrong. she is the most impossible woman, hard to fathom, more complicated than text book. i say she would be quite an interesting subject for research.
not just she is unbelievable impossible, she never listen to the young ones. she is right (or never wrong). she believe in the power of motherhood that gifted her with righteousness. sometimes it is undeniably fun and cute when she have to bite her lips when she had been proven wrong. sometimes she just plainly annoying.
more to that, she never open to new stuffs regardless of gadgets, fashions or lifestyles. the only time she become agreeable only if her friends do that or other people told her its good and this and that. only if other people or her friend.
shopping with her is quite tiresome. i do understand that she is old and cannot stand for long. but i do believe shopping takes a lot of times. i hate if i or someone starts to buy on impulse. just buy everything and in the end regret their action cause the dress did not flatter. not once i have a bliss shopping time with her. it always tiring and induce lots of headache not to mention different taste in style. her tag lines when shopping with me are
a) this this. look at this. try this (she said them all in one breath and in an urgent and commanding tone)
which then lead to~~~
b) you never listen to me you think im stupid
which i will then coax her and listen to her (as in trying on whatever she chosen and her whine)
then she will say
c) that i am fat ugly and things that is equivalent to those.not that it is a wrong cut. to her even rag will look nice on a pretty girl.
for heaven sake that is the first reason why i do not want to try them on coz i already know that they are not flattering.
honestly in frustrated with her.i dont know how to react towards her. how to be more amiable. i have tried everything to please her but it never enough. worst she keep saying that she and father will one day might get divorce because of me (my father always on my side). and its all my faults. nan moerugettso.
not just she is unbelievable impossible, she never listen to the young ones. she is right (or never wrong). she believe in the power of motherhood that gifted her with righteousness. sometimes it is undeniably fun and cute when she have to bite her lips when she had been proven wrong. sometimes she just plainly annoying.
more to that, she never open to new stuffs regardless of gadgets, fashions or lifestyles. the only time she become agreeable only if her friends do that or other people told her its good and this and that. only if other people or her friend.
shopping with her is quite tiresome. i do understand that she is old and cannot stand for long. but i do believe shopping takes a lot of times. i hate if i or someone starts to buy on impulse. just buy everything and in the end regret their action cause the dress did not flatter. not once i have a bliss shopping time with her. it always tiring and induce lots of headache not to mention different taste in style. her tag lines when shopping with me are
a) this this. look at this. try this (she said them all in one breath and in an urgent and commanding tone)
which then lead to~~~
b) you never listen to me you think im stupid
which i will then coax her and listen to her (as in trying on whatever she chosen and her whine)
then she will say
c) that i am fat ugly and things that is equivalent to those.not that it is a wrong cut. to her even rag will look nice on a pretty girl.
for heaven sake that is the first reason why i do not want to try them on coz i already know that they are not flattering.
honestly in frustrated with her.i dont know how to react towards her. how to be more amiable. i have tried everything to please her but it never enough. worst she keep saying that she and father will one day might get divorce because of me (my father always on my side). and its all my faults. nan moerugettso.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
the woman i want to be
Drizzle. Every time the rain came down softly like short silks thread she often sits nearby the window of her luxury apartment. In her hand there is a novel. Today it is a thriller fiction by Paul Austner, “Music of Chance”. On the table nearby the window there will be steaming hot chocolate with 2 spoons of sugar and no milk. After a few pages, she will lose in her thought for a while. Looking through the window and her thought travel passes the trees, busy roads, tall corporate buildings; escaping the city life. She takes a sip of her drinks and sighs. Ahh that the moment of emptiness she felt for a few minutes were in sync with the drizzling rain. The freedom of her travelling thought, the serene look on her face and the element of her life success intertwine with adulthood. How I long to experience that. It’s a perfect life of beauty. The romantic elements fold into one fondue. I wish I was her. But now wishing is even impossible for me. This lacking self with not specs of talent, not even a hint of success. My young life is full of bittersweet experiences of failure, lies, and expectation which I unable to grasp. BABO. That’s what I am for letting go of every great chance in my life and keep holding on empty hope and wishful thinking. It does not matter anyway. Nobody knows. Nobody care. I only have me and my wishful thought. Every time it drizzles, they bloom. And that is the source of my confidence and energy to keep on walking on this shameless path. I wish one day I am able to enjoy my life as free and serene as that lady.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
stuff that left unsaid
my mum called again today
we talked about same stuff for a week
same stuff, repetitively and never changed
talking become begging
i know deep in my little heart
i know shes sad and disappointed
i'm at fault, fully aware
ive been conquered by ego and proudness
too much ego and proudness, too much
something she said just now struck me
"despite everything that happen to you, i really hope that you would listen too me"
four times she said that
"please change, please listen to me and follow what i ask you to do, please you are my daughter and i love you, please do this for me and your life, before i close my eyes"
she said please four times, im suffocating, my heart drenched with pain with every please that she uttered
"are you afraid of changes? are you afraid that you will become someone else? are you afraid people will think that you are stupid?"
three questions which i failed to answer.
dumbstruck to even answer YES
to even say YES im afraid of changes
to even explain to her that
to change means you have to let go something
my life fulls of precious stuff and memories
i don't want to let go
to change means you are not you anymore
not NISRIN that i want to be
just a string puppet
to change means you will come across as stupid
you are a follower
you change only because people asks you too
yes im afraid of those
im terrified to even think about it
to even lift my feet and step outside the zone
i will only change when my heart wants to
when its my will not others
to change when people asked you too
is definitely against my will
i feel stupid
i feel like im a brain-dead
i cant think on my own
regardless here i am forcing myself to embrace the change that she wanted
to makes friend with the new NISRIN
to try and like the new NISRIN
because she is my mother
a woman whom i secretly and will always look up to
a woman who always think of her children before herself
a woman who will still raise me up, help me and loved me even though i hurt her countless times
a woman who always be with me through ups and downs
a woman who always have faith in god and believe in her children
a woman who always wants her children to have a diamond instead of a shard glass
a woman who would sacrifice herself and her dignity for her children
a woman whom i loved to become when/if i get married
because she said so
because she asked me to
because that is her wish
i shall
change
i will try to
though it is against my belief
though it is hard
though the devils holding on me
i believe my love to her surpassing that
sarangheyo ommoni kenkaji sarangheyo
we talked about same stuff for a week
same stuff, repetitively and never changed
talking become begging
i know deep in my little heart
i know shes sad and disappointed
i'm at fault, fully aware
ive been conquered by ego and proudness
too much ego and proudness, too much
something she said just now struck me
"despite everything that happen to you, i really hope that you would listen too me"
four times she said that
"please change, please listen to me and follow what i ask you to do, please you are my daughter and i love you, please do this for me and your life, before i close my eyes"
she said please four times, im suffocating, my heart drenched with pain with every please that she uttered
"are you afraid of changes? are you afraid that you will become someone else? are you afraid people will think that you are stupid?"
three questions which i failed to answer.
dumbstruck to even answer YES
to even say YES im afraid of changes
to even explain to her that
to change means you have to let go something
my life fulls of precious stuff and memories
i don't want to let go
to change means you are not you anymore
not NISRIN that i want to be
just a string puppet
to change means you will come across as stupid
you are a follower
you change only because people asks you too
yes im afraid of those
im terrified to even think about it
to even lift my feet and step outside the zone
i will only change when my heart wants to
when its my will not others
to change when people asked you too
is definitely against my will
i feel stupid
i feel like im a brain-dead
i cant think on my own
regardless here i am forcing myself to embrace the change that she wanted
to makes friend with the new NISRIN
to try and like the new NISRIN
because she is my mother
a woman whom i secretly and will always look up to
a woman who always think of her children before herself
a woman who will still raise me up, help me and loved me even though i hurt her countless times
a woman who always be with me through ups and downs
a woman who always have faith in god and believe in her children
a woman who always wants her children to have a diamond instead of a shard glass
a woman who would sacrifice herself and her dignity for her children
a woman whom i loved to become when/if i get married
because she said so
because she asked me to
because that is her wish
i shall
change
i will try to
though it is against my belief
though it is hard
though the devils holding on me
i believe my love to her surpassing that
sarangheyo ommoni kenkaji sarangheyo
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